I feel like there are two type of students who get into Laidlaw, the majority who are brilliant and get ridiculously high grades, and then others who also have really good ideas but do not get outstanding grades. I am firmly in the latter group of scholars. I have spent the first two years of university feeling completely lost. Academics became a big insecurity of mine when that had never been the case. I did not know how to write a proper university essay, no one taught me, and I felt so terribly unintelligent. Getting into Laidlaw was great, but it did not make me feel smarter. Going into a room full of people talking about how they cannot wait to publish their research, knowing that would never be me and seeing them get university grades I could never dream of completely shattered my confidence.

Then, I had a meeting with my supervisor, my only meeting with him during the research period. He asked me to do the following: a structural outline of my project, a word document with all of my evidence (primary sources), an annotated bibliography and a literature review. He taught me how to do each of these and by the end of the meeting I felt drained. It would not be another four weeks until everything clicked: he had taught me how to write an essay. It enfuriates me that it took me this long to figure it out when other people knew from the very beginning but I take solace in knowing that the first two years of university do not count towards my final grade.  

Once it all clicked, around week 5, I was a lot more confident. I was doing more research and I felt smart. I felt like I was finally doing things right. As I am writing this, I am doing a very detailed plan for my essay and I am starting to think about the next academic year. I used to get really anxious when I thought about third year. I kept thinking, classes will get harder, the readings will get longer and I would panic. But now I feel excited, because I am not scared of third year anymore. It all makes sense in my head and I am a better writer already, and I feel confident, I feel smart and I am no longer terrified of my next assignment. That is my main takeaway from this experience.

Every single scholar says that the best part of Laidlaw is the people you meet, the friendships. I would agree that is a very positive thing that I have taken from the first summer of the scholarship, but feeling good about my work, my academics and my ideas has been the most dramatic change I have experienced. I feel great and ready to go onto honours and I know that is not something I would be feeling had I not applied to the programme.