To begin with I felt like I did not deserve the opportunity to be part of a great programmed. It felt like imposter syndrome and that reality was not real. Getting the acceptance email was a very surreal moment and a shock as I felt the interview did not go well and I was not deserving. 

However, many weeks into the program I do feel like I have found my place amongst people who are bright individuals and that I am as deserving as everyone else. Even so, to think that some felt the same as I did during the process.  

Residential One ✨

The first residential was at the Village Hotel in Headingley. This was the first leadership residential where I had the opportunity to know and understand more about myself as a leader. Some parts I was not surprised by and other parts had taken me by surprise.  

During this residential it was the first time to meet the 2023 scholars and to get to know each other. The environment provided us to bond and properly discuss our research projects. The space was challenging as a lot of questions were thrown at us about leadership and not being a natural leader, it was something of a challenge to share parts of myself that felt vulnerable to be open and honest as I did not want to be judged. However, I did try to be out of my comfort zone and be as honest as I could be, which was surprisingly received well by the other scholars. My mind plays doubts of what I want to share may come across stupid or not valid but by being in a space of likeminded others it helped to feel belonged.  

It lasted a full 2 days with early morning starts where each session was designed to challenge and build on our skills to mould us into becoming ethical leaders. There were many team building exercises which highlighted being a leader is being part of a team and not being in charge. Everyone is as important as everyone provides a different perspective and outlook to tackle issues. There loads of tools and techniques provided on how to maintain productivity levels and project management efficiency. It involved recognising strengths and looking at negative characteristics but in a positive mindset & how they could be challenged for the better in a situation. There was plenty of guidance to help us with our research projects over the summer, to plan and organise them effectively.  

The highlight of this residential for me was the evening dinner on day one where we were able to dress up and have a formal sit-down dinner. On my table I had the opportunity to talk to the 2022 scholars and other staff members. The level of the conversations felt natural and equal between all members. Having the chance to talk openly with honest opinions and not being judged felt liberating and encouraging, the interaction level felt equal. From experiencing all of this and understanding the type of leader potential I have, gave the belief that I can lead just like everyone else.  

Residential Two 🏔️

Selside… The Yorkshire Dales. It was filled with the most scenic views, and a calming atmosphere. Our surroundings were filled with abundance of sheep and fresh air. Arriving at our home for the next three days started off exciting until reality hit that we were in the middle of nowhere with no signal. This was the second time being with the scholars in my cohort. Little did I know we would be sharing our most vulnerable sides together over the next three days and become much closer. As the day’s followed we were chased by sheep’s, climbed waterfalls, hiked mountains, went into caves where it was very dark, and we were sliding ourselves in and out of places with our bare hands, but this was all done together.  

The thoughts going into this residential were far from what happened. Being an introvert, I was already nervous & scared about doing things I knew that would be out of my comfort zone. All sorts of crazy thoughts going through my head, about me falling, embarrassing myself, not getting to the top and not to mention the bugs. I portrayed myself to be altogether and like nothing was going to faze me but inside I was screaming of anxiousness.  

However, being a leadership program, we were given the opportunity to plan and structure our days together, where on day one I took part charge of a walk using a paper map. This was a challenge to get the scholars to follow you and listen but also have the confidence to take the lead which at times I can shy away from. This helped to know this was something to work on and develop on throughout.  

During the time, I was able to observe how everyone showed their own limits and different fears. But seeing how they were conquered and pushed past gave a great admiration for everyone and knowing my own struggles it allowed to fully embrace the experience to the fullest.  

I wanted to go into the experience with an open mind but when it comes to being vulnerable and sharing experiences or feelings this is where I struggle to open as I am private and do not share everything so quickly. So, when it came to the evenings where we would talk about anything and everything under the sun and seeing others being open made it easier for me too. There were so many interesting conversations going on that I was either part of or listening into and it was eye opening to say the least. The beauty of seeing how others see the same thing is very fascinating and allows you to see a different perspective.  

The most challenging part of this experience for me was the physical. There was more to this as I got diagnosed with Long Covid from getting Covid back in 2021. This changed my fitness levels to something that I never experienced or knew how to handle. So, knowing I was going to be doing active activities made it worse, but I did not want to let this illness define me more than it’s already taken from me. I wanted to face those challenges head strong and push through as I knew I had it in me. But saying this, I could not have done it alone without the support of my team who were so encouraging, motivating and understanding. It took their courage to keep me pushing through especially climbing Penygham. I wanted to give up and turn around so many times but with support I was able to make it to the top and be the first up ironically after being one of the slow ones to start off with. I could not thank them enough as they have no idea how much they helped during these moments.  

During this time is made me realise how unkind I was to my own body and not respecting the change or understanding myself differently, but this adventure gave me a whole new respect for my body and gratitude of what it is capable of.  

To conclude, the time spent with my fellow scholars was life changing for me in many ways. The people who started off as strangers I would consider close friends and helping me to see things differently but also teaching valuable lessons of being brave and vulnerable. It showed a whole new meaning of team-spirit and how important it is to show kindness. This opportunity is something I will be forever grateful for. And knowing that you are not alone.