This past week has been my most challenging, yet least eventful week while here in Kigali. From the perspective of a teacher, I was dealing with many stressed students, and lots of varying requests of what they would like to revise prior to an assessment they took today, which will be used (in part) to determine which grade each student should be in. This meant that I had to be working overtime, giving up my scheduled breaks to reassure students, and also to assist with solving problems they brought to me, while going over what they should revise, and creating appropriate revision worksheets for them to take home. 

This in itself was a challenge of leadership, as I was dealing with students that have been concerned over their progress and level in maths, and this test was a big deal for them and has been highlighted as such for a long time. I feel as though I did a good job for the first 3 days of the week in giving 100%. 

However, on Tuesday I noticed I was feeling slightly ill, and by Wednesday (the school weeks run Sunday --> Thursday) I felt really very ill. I did my best to come in regardless, wearing a face mask to protect the students, and seeing the school doctors, but I was at a point where I could not swallow any food or water without a great deal of pain and difficulty. With lots of understanding from the girls, who assured me I could leave if needed, I managed to provide good lessons as a teacher, before returning home and completely passing out. I feel proud to note that I did all that I could for the girls, but I still felt upset and as if I was somehow letting them down by not being there for their last lessons prior to the test. I did manage to create a final revision document which I emailed to the cover teacher, but from late on Wednesday evening till Sunday, I felt completely awful.

I was taking a lot of painkillers that felt completely ineffective, as I struggled to take deep breaths or eat or swallow and I did not leave my room until today (Monday), given how I felt and the fact that I would have to walk down and up so many stairs which didn't feel possible, given getting out of bed was such a challenge. There was a brief moment where my difficulty swallowing gave me a slight (major) fear that I had somehow unknowingly contracted rabies, despite the fact I have been fully vaccinated against it, and no animal has bitten or scratched me, and that I could still just about swallow. That was no fun. That was an interesting time for me over the course of about two days where I felt about as bad as I have done, and was vividly imagining the possibility that I was dead - I don't really know what that says about anything or the significance of that. I felt a mixture of terrified and spiralling that I had made some terrible mistake and forgot about one of the school's cats scratching me or something like that, and also very calm as if I knew that wasn't the case, or at least if it was, I was helpless to fix it. Again just thoughts, I don't know what insight into my psyche that reveals but I felt quite content with my position despite also feeling resigned to my fate. Strange.  

I am very grateful to the school doctor who continuously checked in on me, providing sympathy, medicines, and food, and finally today have I started to feel a little bit better and like I am on the mend. 

Overall, it is difficult to reflect on my character and leadership this past week, outside of acknowledging that I did the best I could, given my health. However, while I had been struggling, today I managed to find some time and a clear enough head to read a book about the Rwandan genocide that I had bought the week before. This was obviously an upsetting book, but I feel glad that I took the initiative of heading outside as soon as I felt ready to leave my room, to sit and read and feel. Often I would neglect these things for 'easy' time scrolling on my phone, or watching something on my laptop, or working towards my dissertation (which admittedly is not so easy). However, I again can see and acknowledge positive steps that I am taking to better myself as a person, genuinely putting myself and my happiness first, fighting the easy impulses. And on that note, I continue to be free of nicotine which has been a real revelation to my overall mood, and it is nice to note that I have a friend from university who has quit over the same timescale as me, so we have been reflecting on progress on that front together, which I find really refreshing. 

Going back to the book I read, because I got distracted there talking about me bettering myself, the book was challenging - it was the first hand account of a survivor of the genocide, who at the age of 11 witnessed all but 2 of her family members killed in front of her. She discusses the background to the genocide, and what happened in her life, and that of Rwanda in the weeks, months, and years afterwards. I felt a lot of emotions in reading her story, and the most prominent thoughts I had after reading the book were the same as I had after visiting the Kigali genocide memorial - 'How could people do this?' and 'How did the nation recover so successfully'. The former question can never be answered - there are many multifaceted, tragic, and evil reasons that drove people to commit the acts experienced in Rwanda in 1994, but I think the search for explanation is an impossible challenge. The brutal killings described in the book and experienced throughout the country were committed by neighbours and children onto a people that were already being systematically excluded. I don't think looking for a reason serves a greater purpose than to understand, inform, and seek to prevent future genocides, yet that provides a bleak outlook when you consider current global events. Even then, I don't think any words or rationales could ever make me understand how a collective of people could act in such a way to another people.

My main takeaway, however, is one of more positivity. When human evil can be experienced by an entire nation with such immediacy, and such recency, the current state of Kigali and Rwanda is an unbelievable revelation. I feel very grateful to be staying in this city, where I walk through the streets and people call out to say hello, where I am told, and feel as though, nobody has ill intent - there have been no dodgy moments for me, no times when I feel at risk of theft or harm, and I have witnessed no altercations. The legacy of the genocide is one of unity and a new shared identity as Rwandan above all, and one of positivity. The country does not seek to forget the genocide, but forgiveness was at the core of how they have managed to move past it. I do sincerely hope that an act of evil is not a pre-requisite for human harmony, but in the case of Rwanda as a nation and Kigali as a city, I feel as though there is a tangible drive for friendliness and connection between all people, in a way that is uplifting to me to see. 

While much of this blog post has gone off track from my time doing the actual teaching at the school, I leave you with a real sense of hope that I have felt throughout my time here, and continue to feel. Both for the students, who fled persecution from the Taliban, and for the nation within which they are hosted, the evil context feels like a complete afterthought, while genuine hope and pursuit of connection is at the forefront of the lives of the people I am interacting with.

I am in a different hemisphere that counter-intuitively makes the global feel so insignificant, as I am interacting predominantly with the local. Within the school, the students, volunteers, and the institution look out for each other, and for me while I have been struggling, and the city feels as though it is a place which does the same.

I feel so far from home, and yet this feels like how it should feel - I think we have forgot so much. I don't know. In keeping up with Western current affairs I feel so detached from it all, and while those things matter so intensely, I really wish they didn't. I don't think they need to. I have thought a lot about the world while I have been away and about myself - I have always been a big thinker about the world, and looked to intellectualise myself. Recently I feel as though I am not intellectualising myself, but rather learning myself. That feels different and that feels significant - I am directly confronting the ills of my past while actively understanding who it is I want to be and what it is I want to do, looking to grow as a man. I don't believe in just 'being better' as an abstract but I do believe in bettering myself by overcoming my shortcomings. What more can I do than look to grow and continue  on a journey of beginning to prioritise my own emotions as well as those of others.  Maybe I will talk about that more in a future blogpost.

That's all from me for now.