With the heights of my second week here I was hoping to carry on such momentum into my third. I wanted to push myself further because I felt comfortable and in control. I saw an opportunity to expand my boundaries and test my limits.

“The best-laid plans of mice and men oft' go awry …and leave us nothing but grief and pain, For promised joy!”  - Robert Burns

Week 3 started the same as any other, a day down at Bubbly Creek, running kayaking sessions for school groups and the wider community. I was better prepared for the weather, wearing something far more breathable than the week before and managed to stay adequately hydrated, but it was so tiring nonetheless. I think this is where some of the problems started. I hadn't realised how exhausted I was becoming, going flat out for two weeks in an unfamiliar situation was so fun and engaging, but I had lost that sensitivity to myself. My sleep wasn't great nor was my nutrition and it was taking its toll.

There were some regular antics back in the office for the rest of the week. Installation of the next phase of the Wild Mile was going well with so many volunteers coming in and out. I made a series of adjustments to the boardwalk to help with the process, noting slots skirting where the pontoon sections could be attached and moving the anchoring chains to best get them out of the way. However, what I was most proud of was my zipline. Due to the layout of the Wild Mile, where the extension is and where the office is are very close, the only entrance point is on the complete opposite end of the park. This, therefore, leads to a 10-minute round trip to go and fetch tools or supplies, which is an inefficiency my engineering brain couldn't let slide, hence the zipline was created as a way to transport equipment from the office to the build-site and back without the unnecessary trip in the 30oC heat. There were other tasks throughout the week, with some education sessions for a group from the aquarium, maintenance tasks on the motors, S'mores night with the volunteers, and some drone filming on the progress of the installation.

CONTENT WARNING - Sexual assault [It will be limited to the next paragraph so feel free to skip ahead if you'd rather]

Everything went to shit on the weekend. After the decline in energy levels, I saw it as a chance to pick myself back up. I planned to have a nice leisurely Saturday at the botanical gardens, see a rather opulent temple, get some Indian food I'd been recommended, and go home. It was all going to plan until I got on the train home. This man got on at the stop after I did and stood near me, then sat closer, shuffled closer still, and then it happened. This isn't the place for detail but if you've watched Sex Education on Netflix then something might sound similar. I was strong and managed to deal with the offender effectively, getting him off the train and finding some randoms to sit with me and talk to me so I could settle. I got home okay and managed to get some sleep, finding the whole thing surreal. I wanted to use Sunday as a day of reclamation, a day to be who I wanted and live large to prove to myself that I am capable, that I was wronged, and that I can move forwards like the badass bitch I am. Until it happened again. It happened again. The same situation within 24 hours. However, it wasn't at night but in broad daylight, not in the suburbs but in the heart of downtown, not on an empty train but a busy one, so I ran.

I think I was terrified, lonely, afraid, and lost. I say I think because I don't remember. The first half of week 4 was a blur. It was amazing to have such supportive people around me in my flat and at work, my friends and family over the phone, and people back in college over email. The inertia to keep it all bottled up and try to persist was so strong but I knew if I wanted to stay (sane) in Chicago, it was imperative to talk it out. I feel so strongly about talking about my experience on the network because this is (unfortunately) not going to be an experience unique to me. Things can and do go wrong and I want anyone who reads this to know that no matter how far from home you might be, how removed you are from your regular existence, how isolated you might find yourself, YOU ARE NEVER ALONE! It takes a lot of strength to do a LiA project and even more to persist through the awful moments, but you can find strength in others to bolster your own. You should never have to prepare for the bad moments, but they might come and it is never a bad thing to have those people you know you can talk to. I will always talk about my experience and the steps I took to overcome the shit situation I was put into, and I will always listen to anyone else who wants to talk about anything they find relatable.

On a happier note, I think Lollapalooza changed my life. I have had my ticket for months and so after what had happened to know that in a couple of days, I had this hugely exciting event coming up, it gave me the strength to pick myself up. I knew I'd been so excited for it so I felt a duty to make myself feel capable of going and seeing it through. It was the first festival I'd ever been to and it did not disappoint. The vibes were so immaculate, the music outstanding, the food delicious, the people kind and polite, and the fashion top-notch. I don't know how many times I cried over those four days, but there were so many tears of joy that I think I spent longer by the water tents than anywhere else (it was also excruciatingly hot). My heart was warmed by every act I saw. I'd been shown a different way of life, a way of dancing, of moving, of swaying side to side. There was still love and kindness in the world, not everyone was out to get me, but rather just have a good time. I would do it all again in a heartbeat, although I would probably only want a two-day, rather than a four-day, ticket.

So there's been a state of change, a change in being. I have gone from the highest highs to lowest lows, and back in two weeks, but we're in a different place now. My understanding has changed. My outlook has changed. My mindset has changed. I should be looking at Chicago as a place to understand, rather than looking at my time here as something to maximise. Let Chicago guide me, go where my legs take me because that is where I will be needed — a reformation of my experience here.

So then what's for the change of state? Well, my brother has been living in the US for a couple of years, and it has been so long since I last saw him. Being in Chicago and him working for Penn State is the closest we've been for a good while. So I'm off to Pennsylvania for the first time. I will leave the Midwest for a bit and enjoy a moment of peace in Appalachia before seeing what Chicago might have in store for me when I get back. So I will see you all next week when hopefully I should only have the nicer stories to tell.