I caught a ferry to Manly this week. Despite arriving very windswept (and for the first time since arriving in Australia, a bit cold), I stepped off the wharf onto the beach a little high on adrenaline. Looking around, I was kind of waiting for someone to notice, for someone to congratulate me and set off some party poppers or something. Unsurprisingly, everyone just carried on with their day. Mums and Dads marshalling their young kids across the road, a guy helping an old lady down some steps, a young couple throwing their stuff down in the sand and chasing each other into the water. Life simply went on.
I imagine this does not seem like some crazy adventure to pretty much everyone reading this post. I know it was a relief (if such a thing is possible, a question for the AI experts perhaps) to my iPhone which has been very dramatically warning me about over exposure to loud noise most days for the past month. To me though, it felt like a milestone. I had caught a ferry and had been able to listen to the waves as we bobbed along past the Sydney CBD skyline. I am not scared of boats or the water. In fact, the sea is one of my favourite places. I am, however, terrified about being surrounded by a hundred strangers, on a moving boat, because I have emetophobia. And public transport, especially ferries and planes, is one of the few occasions where that irrational fear might actually become real. I love rock music, because it is loud, and can block out pretty much any noise, which is handy when I am constantly on edge in public spaces. Foo Fighters have become a tradition on planes. Dave Grohl singing me heavy metal lullabies on shuffle. I haven't quite defeated the panic that comes with the telltale sound of a dead Airpod disconnecting from Bluetooth. The fear of the unknown that awaits outside the control of what I have carefully compiled into a playlist.
If I have learnt anything from the last month, it is that fear of the unknown is a universal experience. I have seen it in a variety of forms both at Two Good and beyond. To say I have been inspired is an understatement. I have found so much motivation to push myself out of my comfort zone by reminding myself of remarkable examples of bravery and strength. This quote is from a beautiful conversation with a woman this week as part of my project, listening to her explain her thought process about being in the program.
"I can't let fear stop me from doing things otherwise I'm never gonna get anywhere. I got to a point where I didn't believe there was good out there anymore. I'm starting to understand, maybe this is why I've gone through all of this. To be a voice... To be a help to other women going through it."
Something as simple as going without my Airpods seems like something I should be capable of. I had to use techniques learnt in therapy to avoid being overwhelmed, but, I did it. Like I discussed last week, the profound connection we have to all women is true in this case. Coming together, sharing experiences, respecting and loving one another is what drives us to push. To not sit stagnant, or let all the work we have put into getting to this point now go to waste, in spite of all the obstacles and trauma in our pasts.
I do feel like I have been existing in a bubble here in Sydney. Every single day, I have a surreal moment of realisation that I am actually here doing this. None more so than this weekend, when I was invited to attend the Two Good Work Work program graduation, which was funny timing. 16900 km away, friends and coursemates have been graduating from University and starting a new chapter. Watching it all through Instagram and LinkedIn, I felt in limbo. Stuck in the weird space of having been out on an industrial placement year, currently being on LIA in Sydney and also, looking ahead to restarting Uni for the last two years of my course. I felt left behind, excluded from all their happiness and proud parents posing in front of the Parkinson Building steps. I also felt a sense of panic, like I was running after the last bus home.
But watching the speeches and thank yous celebrating the women who had come through the Work Work program, there was an odd sense of peace. The purity of the love and hope in that restaurant settled a lot of the nervy energy I had when I thought about the unknowns in my future. It was like a hand stuck out of the bus for me to cling on to as I ran by it. I suppose that is a good metaphor for the program in general. The women here are facing so much adversity on their journeys back to life and work, but Two Good is providing a grounding and supportive hand to guide them. All they ask of the women is to take hold of it.
There was nothing fake or tokenistic about the beautiful words spoken by the core team, like the rest of the business, it was honest and transparent, yet caring and fun. I said to someone at the event, I wish I could pick up a bubble of the atmosphere here at Two Good and take it home with me. I really believe in the purpose and model that they have cultivated in Sydney and I hope one day it might reach other women 16900 km away who who could do with a guiding hand as they begin that journey back to themselves.
So, on the quiet return ferry journey from Manly back to the Sydney CBD, I allowed myself to feel held by the strength of the incredible people I have met here, and found that I didn't need anyone else's congratulations for facing that fear. I guess I will tuck that bit of knowledge away for the next time I am sprinting for the bus and no one sticks their hand out.
I don't always need someone else to tell me that I am enough. I've got this.
Please check out @TwoGoodCo on Instagram/their website for more on the incredible work they do in Sydney and NSW.