I was in the snack aisle of an Oxford grocery store one night. As someone who lives to eat, grocery stores are one of my favourite places; gazing at the wide variety of food in front of me blankets me in a feeling of serenity. I feel free…. and calm….. and measured…..
but I was jolted to reality by jovial chatter. As I turned to see the source of the noise, I saw a group of laughing, chattering teenage boys followed by an older lady with her adult daughter. As the boys continued to chatter and the ladies and myself peered at the shelves, I created a classification in my mind: the teenage boys in a nuisance-causing group, and myself and the two ladies in a socially altruistic group.
Unconsciously, I labelled the boys’ demeanour and loud chatter as disruptive entitlement, or a sign they trying to displace everyone around them. I, on the other hand, thought that minding my own business made me socially acceptable. I was doing what we were supposed to be doing in a grocery store: coming in, looking for items and getting out. That made me normal and made the boys deviant.
I had returned to minding my own business when one of the boys, pointing to the name of a fruit on a smoothie bottle, asked me “hey, what’s this?”. I was so taken aback by him speaking to me. In Canada, you’ll never be approached by a random person without them apologizing to you at least twice and then thanking you profusely. And in Singapore, people know not to approach strangers. I immediately became skeptical at his intentions: was I being recorded, was this a practical joke I wasn’t understanding? Why wasn’t he just minding his own business? Feeling myself getting defensive, I replied “I’m not sure” in a flat voice. As he turned back to his friends unperturbed, a swift feeling of security returned to me. I felt I’d successfully protected myself, and I’d been right to securitize the interaction.
But just after my reply, the older lady approached the group of boys and proceeded to explain the smoothie ingredients to him.
I was so surprised at this. I assumed the older women would respond to the boys as I had: with what was essentially silence. But she instead leant into the interaction, patiently and thoughtfully sharing what she knew. Seeing her engaging with the boys in such an open way put me to shame. Though I urge myself and others “not to remain in your own bubble” and “not stereotype others” in conscious conversation, I had just done both of these things. Reflecting, I thought of two explanations: my cultural influences, and my battle with “adult behavior”.
Cultural influences
The two strongest cultural influences I hold with me are Toronto and Singapore, which both expect you to mind your own business. In Toronto, it seems the entire city has either a panicked demeanor or headphones in their ears. This makes the entire city seem unapproachable. In Singapore, talking to strangers yielded subpar, if not adverse, reactions. Say you are trying to squeeze into the MRT at rush hour, you’re guaranteed to elicit soured faces and huffs from fellow commuters. Or if you accidentally walk into someone and apologize, that person will likely just scurry off. I feel this is why many Torontonians and Singaporeans describe their cities are isolating, distant or uncaring.
Being used to the expectation of everyone minding everyone’s business, being so harmlessly approached by a stranger was unfamiliar.
“Adult behaviour”
I strive to be someone you can randomly approach on the street and feel you can trust. But I attribute this ability with a particular class of people; light-hearted, present-focused, sensual and free-spirited. Because I don’t think of myself as having these characteristics, I’ve come to “mind my own business” both more than I’d like and more than I’d ever intended. I also associate a loss of free-spiritedness as part of the inevitability of growing up. Society does is all the time by urging children to be more realistic, “read the room” and be agreeable. That is not to say there are no benefits to being realistic or responding to a situation based on how others are responding to it. I’d argue, however, that these principles aren’t firm rules for life because innovation, irrationality and outspokenness keeps life vibrant.
Individuality also gets lost here. I find it painfully ironic that although people become aware of what makes them unique as they grow up, they are also most tempted into mimicking other’s behavior or obeying pre-existing structures as they grow up.
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Though responding to this trivial interaction differently would have had a negligible impact on my life, I was more troubled by what it symbolized: isolation over community, and securitization over humanity. In such a divided world, we don’t need more forces compelling us to stay within ourselves and mind our own business. And while I’ve grown comfortable with in a professional or scholarly setting, I want these insights to shape the person I am in every interaction I have. I want it to impact the very fabric of my being such that it permeates my unconscious behaviour, and not just remain a skill I lean on when I know it is required.
So, as I return to school in Toronto, I’m thinking about how I can make more space for innocent conversation in my everyday.