Hi all, wow. I am typing this as I sit in the back of a taxi to the airport to conclude my time at the school and my time in Rwanda and I am feeling overwhelmed. I will write my full reflection on my LiA project in due course but I am aware that this post should only really concern this last week. However, today in particular has been the climax of emotion in the form of reflection, gratitude, and difficult goodbyes. I sit here in the back of a taxi - slightly concerned about making my flight on time (as is usual for me) - and predominantly overwhelmed with a concoction of emotions that I can't fully put words to. Throughout the last few days, many of the girls have come to talk to me to personally express their gratitude and wish me well, and one thing that stuck with me is a student saying they, similarly, were grateful in a way they could not put into words. Through this blog I attempt to verbalise that which I cannot do justice to with words, mostly for myself. i am familiar and indeed was skeptical of the trope of 'finding yourself' through travel, and yet I feel like a happier man that understands himself better as a consequence of this trip. I have learnt so many skills of communication, compromise, and collaboration through my time here - many of which developed with the girls, but also just through my interactions with adults I had never met prior to my arrival.
This leads me to a concept I have long considered during my time here - that of being in the minority. While I am conscious that my positionality as a straight white man gives me a great deal of privilege meaning my experience is very different to that which one would typically associate with 'minority', I am considering the word in its simplest terms - 'a smaller part or number that makes up less than half of a total'. Throughout my time here, I have been the only Brit, regardless of whether I was in the school or the city, one of only very few men working at SOLA, one of only 2 people still at university, and often a minority in terms of age - interacting with girls years younger than me, or volunteers many of whom are much older than me. Again, this experience of 'minority' has not been a typical one, and has rather enabled me to escape any form of expectation and instead explore my own personality and character. I feel as though, despite all the love I have individually for my friends from Oxford and Essex, it is very easy to assume a role within a friendgroup, or to adopt opinions, expressions, jokes and nuances shared between many people, thus losing your individuality somewhat. This is in no way a critique of my friends at my respective homes but rather an observation. In being friends with a majority of people who are of the same age, nationality, life stage and interests as me, we create an effortless overlap of personality, as friends mould together in a beautiful process that allows deep personal and group connection. However, once that is removed, you are left with no 'easy' conversation - such as two blokes using football as a unifier to avoid any awkward silence, or a member of a friend group repeating an inside joke to guarantee a laugh and pass the time. And once that is gone, you can relearn who you are with new people.
I remember the new principal of the school asking me to tell her about myself and how exciting that was as an opportunity to discuss what it meant to be Albert. But that's not the full extent of what I mean here. I am talking about how in the exciting silence of a lack of expectations, you have a canvas to paint freely with that which you are. I saw this in terms of walking around tossing a tennis ball and pretending to bat an imaginary cricket ball as I passed the time. I saw this in how I excitedly spoke about how cordyceps can influence the conscious and subconscious minds of people - slowing reaction times and pushing people to go to dark and warm places, in the same sort of way that the gut microbiome influences one's emotions, and then I posed the question of how you can maintain a sense of self when emotions and thoughts you consider to have generated yourself can be attributed to other, separate living organisms. I saw this in tapping my fingers against each other, and drumming on my legs and the table when I had even a split second of quiet. I saw this in my excitement when I realised the things that make me feel purpose and bring my joy. When I truly understood that my happiness comes from helping, and when I learned that even though I don't know how things will always go for me in the future, I truly truly can be happy. I saw this in doing little jumps off the stairs, in smiling as I thought to myself, and in taking a deep breath and actively going to talk to people that otherwise I might have never said hi to. And through this process I saw me form myself, the silence of no expectations helped me to understand the man I have become in a way that I have never given the time and respect to truly consider before.
This last week involved the relocation of the school to its incredible new site, and I felt so lucky to be with staff and students in the mosque as that was opened as a space, listening to the inspiring words of the school’s founder. Teaching trailed off somewhat in the last week as the focus shifted to the move, but I was so fortunate to be able to spend some time just talking to the girls, sharing life experiences, hopes and dreams, fears and expectations for the future, and this gave me so much joy and hope for the future - the girls really have changed my global outlook - one can still feel a lot of dread from watching world events and the news unfold, and yet you can have optimism and belief in the good of humanity, and the shared pursuit of happiness and prosperity.
One student asked to interview me with some questions she had regarding university life and applications, and I felt so happy to be able to share my experiences, which while so different, felt so similar, and offer advice on what courses she might like to study and how to go about deciding. I noticed she was in the same position of grand uncertainty, with interest in so many things and having to think about specialisation, at the same age I did just 4 years ago, which is terrifying because there is always the fear of choosing wrong. I had the opportunity to reflect when she asked me if I would have done anything differently with what I know now, and I am grateful to say that my answer was, and is no - all of my choices have moulded who I am, and my decisions have always been based on pursuing what will bring happiness and joy to myself and others. I never set out to study geography, or to study at Oxford, I just kept following the things that I found wonder in, and ended up in the only place that made sense to me - the place that I was always going to end up at.
The new campus was an incredible site, and while there were some issues with everything being so new and not yet settled, I had an amazing time when there just for a handful of days, and I was having a good time putting in (considerable) energy to help move boxes and unpack. I spent evenings with volunteers and students, walking and talking and feeling so grateful for the time I could spend with such an inspiring community.
On my last day, I had a call to confirm my place in running the London marathon for Afghanaid - a separate charity, but one that I wanted to raise money for having heard so many stories from the girls about their home country, and being inspired to help out in whatever way I can. That is a very exciting opportunity and a new kind of challenge for me - I tend to be a last-minute person who is good at pulling preparation out the bag, and completing tasks last minute, so I have deliberately started a new project of steady, consistent training and improvements for a goal for a good cause.
I then spent the day unpacking boxes and generally hanging out, until around half an hour before I was expected to leave, the girls had organised an assembly to say thank you and goodbye to me and another volunteer who was leaving to the US. Multiple students stood up to express their gratitude to all the volunteers, and often to give a personal message and thank you to individual ones. I couldn’t help but feel emotional as my students stood up to thank me as their first maths teacher, or for time spent playing football, or basketball, and just generally for having fun conversations and having the best time. I was told the impact I had made, for some even in only a few lessons, and for those who were new to the school I felt so proud that I could give them a good experience of learning maths. It stuck with me that a student called me a great man, and I feel emotional considering that even now - having dealt with a lot of self-criticism and self-hatred at low points in my life, I am finally living and feeling like the person I have always wished I could be. I cannot truly express how proud I felt of the impact I made, and how lucky I feel to have got to know such incredible young women during my time there, and I conversely cannot truly express how grateful I am for the impact the girls had on me. Many students told me they hoped I would come back, which I absolutely do too, and some asked if I could come back as a football and basketball coach, which would be a lot of fun for me as well.
I was also handed an incredible gift, which I absolutely cherish, and will keep with me for the rest of my life - the girls gave me a Rwandan notebook, and an Afghan pen, with personal notes inside saying thank you and sharing memories with me.
I am now back in the UK, and I sat at my gate in Kigali airport reading through all the lovely messages with a big silly grin on my face, and I will forever hold that present very dearly it is incredibly meaningful to me.
Overall, my trip in Rwanda has absolutely led to a huge amount of personal growth, across so many factors, and so many unique memories that I will never forget. To have had the opportunity to fly out to Kigali for 7 weeks, to volunteer and make a real, tangible difference to so many incredible people, learning so much along the way is a privilege that I am so grateful to Laidlaw for. I did not anticipate the changes and growth to myself that my time there would have, and yet I am back in the UK feeling like a happier man, and like I have found something that I did not realise I hadn’t understood.
I feel like I will repeat a lot of this in my final LiA report, but what an incredible time I have had. I now have about 3 days to see friends and family and prepare for another challenging trip (this time physically) hiking for 2 weeks in Kyrgyzstan. I don’t take for granted the opportunities that I have received through scholarships and awards while at Oxford, but it does feel as though my hard work has paid off and I can now stand reaping the rewards of past struggles, and I hope to keep reminding myself of that, to make every tomorrow as good or better than every today.
Sending love to everyone reading this,
Albert