Baptism of Fire: How I almost quit
This research would be my first stepping stone into the world of geology and my scientific career. I would be working with data from Greenland ice cores to create a computer model to improve the accuracy of dating volcanic eruptions in the past. My advisor stated that this research was low-hanging fruit and that if it is achieved, it will have a wide-reaching impact on the scientific community. Of course, when I got into the programme, I felt amazing; no matter the challenge, I would be ready. I took an online course in Matlab (a computing language) that took at least 25 hours. I had pre-booked a trip to the Shetland Islands, Scotland and had a week to review the previous research and finish the course. I grabbed any moment I could as I didn’t know when the next fleeting moment of Wifi would come. Trying to prevent the feeling of sea sickness on a ferry in the North Sea while learning Matlab was a moment to remember. I had been preparing for the project for weeks and still had more to do, but I thought this was surely enough.
My advisor had sent the previous work on the project completed by a fourth-year undergraduate student for their dissertation. They explained that the work was somewhat rushed to get results that a dissertation could be based on. The student had no prior coding experience, so that relieved some personal anxiety. However, it was at this moment that it dawned on me the mountain, or should I say volcano, I had to climb in this project.
How was I going to understand and improve a fourth-year project that involves complex mathematics that took 6 to 12 months to complete with a basic competency level in coding and no experience in statistical problems and have something to show for it by the end of 6 weeks?
I felt like an imposter. This work was no longer just an assignment that I would get a mark on out of 20 marks. This may be scrutinised by experts in their field - it had to be correct.
In the first week, I was placed in a room for Phd students, which made me feel important. I was advised to email or ask the students for any help. My lack of experience made everything problematic. I spent every waking hour I could trying to understand the code. My supervisor was extremely busy, so I didn’t want to bother them with simple questions that, if I found the correct resource, I would be able to fix in an instant. Furthermore, my PhD fellow researchers only worked in Python (a more popular and widely used programming language) and were engrossed in their projects that I felt were more important. I decided to only ask for help when there was nothing else I could do. After spending 8 hours sitting in a room of silence every day and, working every hour I could at home and making very little progress - the project felt impossible. My problems were so specific that the internet provided little help. It felt like I had to read an entire novel every time I found a problem. First, I had to understand it, then fix it and clarify that I did it correctly.
Moreover, my project was linear, which meant I had to fix a problem before moving on. To top it all off, a close family member passed away that week …. It felt like the world was stacking up against me. By the end of the first week, I was so stressed even the simple problems were impossible, and by the end of the second week, I was ready to quit. I wasn’t sure whether I felt like a volcano about to erupt or I was going to fall into a volcanic eruption; either way, the result was the same.
Dealing with the Flames: How I dealt with the problems and what I learned
One thing was for sure: I needed a reset. I got on my bike and cycled over a hundred miles, and for that day, at least, I forgot about the impending doom of achieving something in the project. I have never faced something so mentally challenging before, but I told myself the cliché ‘ you can achieve anything you put your mind to’. I love a challenge, or at least I love the feeling of completing the impossible, so I decided to continue. I also started forming a very strong connection with my fellow Laidlaw scholars that I lived with, and I did not want to lose that.
To have the best chance of success, I decided to prioritise myself first. Using the skills I learnt through the programme, I created a plan for “high impact” breaks. This is where you completely remove yourself from your work and do something you enjoy. That was physical exercise, and incorporating this daily made me feel better about myself. Due to the style of my project, my mistake at first was to set tasks to complete for the day. These were never realistic, and judging how long a problem would take to complete was very hard. I decided to identify a task and then create a strategy for dealing with the problem where, inevitably, things wouldn’t work out. Following a plan helped a lot as it removed the feeling of being incapable when the first thing that I thought would work: did not.
I have to thank my supervisor, too. They used what little time they had to visit and help me out, and a few moments of encouragement made me feel a lot better. They often said that I was doing well and had made good progress. Honestly, the pessimistic perfectionist within me struggled to believe them but it definitely made me feel better about the time I had spent. They gave me some invaluable advice as a coder themselves that I will take forward. The importance of noting everything and keeping my work as clear and concise as possible is not something to be dismissed.
The project did not get any easier for the duration of the project, but the way in which I dealt with the problems definitely improved. In the last few weeks, I found a problem that neither I nor my supervisor could solve. After taking a month's break, I am about to try and solve it. I am not going to let it defeat me. Although my initial goals were hysterically out of proportion to what I could achieve in that time, I am glad I pushed through it. At the end I unknowingly became a somewhat competent coder and very knowledgeable about my subject. Given the context of the project, I am pleased with what I achieved. I am incredibly thankful for the help from the Laidlaw programme, my supervisor and especially the friends I made along the way. The most important aspect of the summer research was the lessons I learnt the hard way:
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Prioritise yourself as much as the work
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The importance of keeping your work organised and clear
Poster Image: Credited to Shawn Appel, Available at: https://unsplash.com/photos/black-mountain-with-flowing-lava-at-nighttime-FBAIKjVLHag (Accessed 17 08 2024)